Panda Status: The Future of Drunk

It seems like just yesterday me and my friends took our first walk over to our first college party. We thought we had all done our fair share of drinking back in High School (some more than others) but when we arrived at the party it was obvious that this was not the case. Back in High School people got drunk, but according to the upperclassmen who greeted us at the doorway being drunk was just not enough. It seemed like every person I talked to at the party mentioned how they were going to get "sloshed,""loaded," "tipsy," "fucked up," or "embarrochado" (People from Spain study abroad too). Needless to say, I felt pretty lame using the word "drunk" while everyone else got to use exciting vocabulary that they most likely found on urbandicationary.com roughly 15 minutes prior to their arrival.

When I returned to my dorm room that night I Googled the meanings of all the terms I had heard that night and found that none of them truly suited me. Naturally I decided to create my own term, one that I could pass on to my future ex-wife's grandkids. The term I choose to create was "Panda Status." I was more or less influenced by the sheer cuteness of a panda I saw on the television. At first "Panda Status" didn't make much sense to me or my peers, but like a fine wine or professional athlete on steroids, it only got better with age.

What is "Panda Status" you may ask?

Panda Status:

1.) When you are so drunk that you cannot do anything but sit comfortably in the chair that you are in. All of the alcohol and chips you consumed are causing your stomach to bloat and your belly now looks like that of a panda. Just like a panda kept in captivity, you have lost all desire to mate and are now content with watching the game instead of chasing ladies/gents around.

2.) When you have taken the journey from being sober (white), to blacked out (black), and back sober again (white) all in one night. This resembles the order of the colors of fur on a panda's body.

3.) When you are native to Central-Western or Southwestern China, the victim of deforestation, and often find yourself eating bamboo in an opium den.

A group of friends enjoy being "Panda Status"

So next time your friend calls you up on a Friday night and asks if you want to get "faced" or "shitty"at (fill in tool's name here)'s house, you tell them no. Explain to them that you are currently "Panda Status" at the moment and that it is no time for hoopla. There is a good chance they will not understand what you are saying so it is your duty to teach them how to be "Panda Status." This may seem like a tall order but as Uncle Ben told Peter Parker in "Spider-Man," "Remember, with great power comes great responsibility." Enjoy.