Iconic Dinner Guests to Avoid

"What three people would you invite to dinner? Why?" This question really bothers me because the only thing less original than the question itself are the answers that follow it. You can bank on the fact that when posed this question a person will choose some variation of a dinner party that includes Jesus, Michael Jordan, George Washington, or Denzel Washington.

I can understand why people would choose to invite these men to their dinner parties but I can't help but think that if people did some in-depth research they would find some serious faults in their answers. Since everyone else is busy chasing paper (in the Urban Dictionary sense) I have accepted the responsibility to break down why people should reconsider inviting Jesus, Jordan, or the Washingtons to a dinner party.


Jesus: It's wishful thinking on your part if you think that someone who is worshipped by a good portion of the world would 1.) Be free for dinner and 2.) Want to dine with you. Okay, so maybe he does agree to attend your dinner party, what are you going to talk about? Odds are you probably have some deep questions regarding salvation and the afterlife but once those questions are addressed prepare yourself for at least one or two awkward silences. Forget about turning the conversation towards pop culture because at the ripe old age of 2012 there is a good chance he did not stay up to watch the series finale of "Scrubs." Since you have nothing interesting to say he will probably take the reins of the conversation. If you think it's annoying to listen to your one friend talk about how cool his Dad is because his boss occasionally gives him tickets to Yankee games, just imagine listening to someone talk about how their Dad created the entire world (yawn).


Michael Jordan: Jordan is considered to be the world's greatest basketball player and is a successful business man. As if that wasn't enough he also co-starred with Bugs Bunny in the cinema classic "Space Jam." I guess you could always ask him what it was like to win an NCAA Championship, two Olympic Gold Medals, and six NBA Championships. Things will inevitably become awkward once you bring up (and you will) his attempt at a baseball career, alleged gambling problems, or record setting divorce. By the time you get to telling him the story of that one three-pointer you hit during a JV game he will be halfway out the door.


George Washington: He was the leader of the Continental Army during the American Revolutionary War and the first President of the United States of America, if that doesn't make him a cool dinner guest than I don't know what would. But wait, he also had wooden teeth, powdered his hair, and owned slaves. You can also guarantee that he is going to be very patriotic, and as we all know there is a fine line between voting in every election and donning an American flag themed sleeveless shirt to your son's wedding. (Note: Beware, especially if you have a cherry tree).


Denzel Washington: Denzel is one of the hardest working men in show business, so on the off chance that he actually had time off would you really feel comfortable prying him away from his family just so you can pick his brain over dinner? Don't bother bringing up his alma mater, Fordham University, because it is highly unlikely that he hung out with your friend, Steve "Fat Carl" Carlson, during his time there. If you ask him which movie he enjoyed making the most, you better hope he doesn't say "Malcolm X" because let's face it, you probably aren't well-versed on the "Black Nationalism" movement. On the plus side, if there is one person in the world talented enough to act like they sincerely enjoy your company it would be Denzel Washington.

I understand that these men may be interesting to hangout with but think of it this way, if you're sitting at a table with three of the world's most successful people chances are you're going to look incredibly lame in comparison. This is why I recommend you surround yourself with people that are such big losers that they make you look good. Why do you think Adam Sandler casts the same people in all of his movies?


Yes...it all makes sense.