An Open Letter to All Incoming Freshmen

Dear Incoming Freshmen,

Congratulations! By now you have selected which college/university/institute of higher education that you are going to attend. As you may have already heard, freshmen year can be one of the most exciting yet intimidating years of your life. To ease your transition into the college lifestyle I will drop some knowledge in your direction.

First things first, log onto your Facebook account and friend request everyone that is on your school's Facebook network (and by everyone I mean anyone who isn't ethnic or overweight). To ensure that all of your newly requested friends will like you it is essential that you do some serious editing of your profile page. Change your profile picture to one that screams "I like to party!" I suggest you select a photo of you holding a beer or a handle of vodka (very impressive). Now that everyone can see you like to party it's time to back it up with some cold hard facts on your personal information section. Change your "Activities" so it says "Going to the beach to drink a few and laxin'." Keep in mind you don't actually have to play lacrosse (or know anything about it) to write this. Edit your "Interests" to "Laxxxxx" and "partyin'." Still following along? Good, because this is where things get tricky. Make sure that your "Favorite Music" section says that you like O.A.R., Dave Matthews Band, and 311. Don't worry if you haven't heard of them before; just tell people that you can't wait to see them live again. If anyone asks your favorite song tell them you like their old stuff better than their new stuff (this should throw the "unknowing" scent off of your trail). List "ESPN" and "Family Guy" as your "Favorite TV Shows" because they are safe choices and no one will call you out on not watching them. When it comes to your "Favorite Movies" write "300," "Anchorman" and "Anything with Adam Sandler." Spend some time checking out the quotes on each movie's IMDB page. Memorize these quotes and say them all the time (They never get old!). It's much easier to say things other people already have in movies than trying to think up your own sentences.

Now that you have made these adjustments to your Facebook page chances are everyone now wants to be your friend. Comment on everyone's status and don't forget to send explicit messages to all the females. When it's time for your school's Freshmen Orientation (I like to call it the "Main Event") it is crucial to make fun of anyone in your group who seems even slightly nervous or uncomfortable about going away to college. Don't forget to ask every girl you meet for her phone number, this way you can text them about how "sick" the parties are going to be next year. If the cool kids still haven't noticed how "chill" you are then I would suggest you tell everyone that you are being heavily recruited by both the Basketball and Lacrosse coaches (you have the rest of the summer to suffer a fake knee injury). If all else fails, talk about the beach and partying.

When you finally arrive at school don't show any signs of nervousness or doubt. If your parents start embarrassing you, yell at them for unpacking slow and tell them to leave. If you don't initially like your roommate tell everyone in your hall that he is gay and asked to see you naked. When you go to the cafeteria hang out by the pizza line and direct any female who gets on it towards the salad bar. On the weekends don't worry about whether or not you have plans, feel free to walk into any party. Odds are whoever is hosting it probably wants you there and will shower you with compliments.

Remember, these are the best four years of your life so "live it up and drink it down."

Yours truly,

The Kid That No One Likes