Grand Weird Note Auto

Wanted Dead or Alive:
The person who left a plastic Subway sandwich bag containing various items on the hood of my car.

After a long day at work (approximately 4:07 p.m.) I walked over to my car and noticed a pile of debris that had been left on the hood of my automobile. Upon further inspection I found that the debris was a Subway sandwich bag containing an empty sandwich wrapper, empty Original Flavor Sun Chips bag, a cubic zirconia tire valve, and a note. The note was scribed on a wrinkly and possibly used Subway napkin and harbored an ambiguous message. It was difficult to decipher the message written on the napkin because of Subway's health conscious decision to print the nutrition facts of their sandwiches on the napkin. After spending a considerable amount of time trying to decode the message I finally figured it out, Subway is a much healthier alternative to other fast food establishments. It was after this epiphany that I finally figured out what the message said:

"Dear Alex,

I hope you can get jiggy wit this footlong sub. We love you more than all the chocolate Barbies in the world.

Love,

S.P.R."

As if the notion of someone loving me more than "all the chocolate Barbies in the world" wasn't shocking enough, I noticed an arrow on the top right corner of the paper and next to it the directions "turn napkin over." I figured the other side of the napkin would probably have something stupid, immature, and possibly derogatory on it-which is why I flipped the napkin to its other side faster than a robot crafted specifically to flip napkins at high speeds. What the other side of the napkin had to offer was a nude, anatomically correct, stick figure drawing of Rick Moranis suffering from what I can only assume was a severe case of elephantitis, specifically in the genital area.

I have to say that this note is probably one of the funniest and cryptic things I have seen in a while. Although I am a little angry about the garbage, thrilled about the tirve valve, and really curious/weirded out about the content of the note, I've concluded that the hilarity of it all slightly outweighs the creepiness of it. I do not wish to contact the authorities, nor do I seek an apology from the author. What I would like is for the person who penned this note to answer me these questions.

1.) Why?

2.) Whose souped-up '96 Dodge Neon did you steal the CZ tire valve from?

3.) Is chocolate Barbie in reference to "Black Barbie" or a cocoa treat molded into the shape of a Barbie doll?

4.) Where can I get a "chocolate Barbie"?