Usually...

I am not a fan of celebrity gossip but this is way to good to pass up.

Ok so Mariah Carey recently released this song "Obsessed" (music video can be found on youtube) dissing Eminem. She is trying to say Eminem is lying about ever hooking up with her.



Eminem quickly released my personal favorite song of the summer...






Done.

Grand Weird Note Auto

Wanted Dead or Alive:
The person who left a plastic Subway sandwich bag containing various items on the hood of my car.

After a long day at work (approximately 4:07 p.m.) I walked over to my car and noticed a pile of debris that had been left on the hood of my automobile. Upon further inspection I found that the debris was a Subway sandwich bag containing an empty sandwich wrapper, empty Original Flavor Sun Chips bag, a cubic zirconia tire valve, and a note. The note was scribed on a wrinkly and possibly used Subway napkin and harbored an ambiguous message. It was difficult to decipher the message written on the napkin because of Subway's health conscious decision to print the nutrition facts of their sandwiches on the napkin. After spending a considerable amount of time trying to decode the message I finally figured it out, Subway is a much healthier alternative to other fast food establishments. It was after this epiphany that I finally figured out what the message said:

"Dear Alex,

I hope you can get jiggy wit this footlong sub. We love you more than all the chocolate Barbies in the world.

Love,

S.P.R."

As if the notion of someone loving me more than "all the chocolate Barbies in the world" wasn't shocking enough, I noticed an arrow on the top right corner of the paper and next to it the directions "turn napkin over." I figured the other side of the napkin would probably have something stupid, immature, and possibly derogatory on it-which is why I flipped the napkin to its other side faster than a robot crafted specifically to flip napkins at high speeds. What the other side of the napkin had to offer was a nude, anatomically correct, stick figure drawing of Rick Moranis suffering from what I can only assume was a severe case of elephantitis, specifically in the genital area.

I have to say that this note is probably one of the funniest and cryptic things I have seen in a while. Although I am a little angry about the garbage, thrilled about the tirve valve, and really curious/weirded out about the content of the note, I've concluded that the hilarity of it all slightly outweighs the creepiness of it. I do not wish to contact the authorities, nor do I seek an apology from the author. What I would like is for the person who penned this note to answer me these questions.

1.) Why?

2.) Whose souped-up '96 Dodge Neon did you steal the CZ tire valve from?

3.) Is chocolate Barbie in reference to "Black Barbie" or a cocoa treat molded into the shape of a Barbie doll?

4.) Where can I get a "chocolate Barbie"?

J.T. 2030

Justin Timberlake: At age 50, he will have aged horribly thanks to the extreme pressure that comes with being named The NEW King of Pop and the immense stress of helping Joey Fatone campaign for New Jersey's Gubernatorial Election. Timberlake still maintains a strong following even though he has made the change from recording artist to permanent host of the ESPY's Award Show. Timberlake says his inspiration to let his hair turn grey naturally was drawn from his favorite actor as a child, Ted Danson, or as he is known in the year 2030, Ted Danson Esq. (After acting roles became few and far between Ted decided he would go back to school and become a lawyer.)

After finding a photo from Ebony magazine that was supposed to depict what Michael Jackson would look like in the year 2000 (They were way off) we figured that we would use the advance technology available to us here at PandaStatus.com to create what we think The NEW King of Pop , Justin Timberlake, would look like in the year 2030. We debated creating what J.T. would look like in the year 3000 but we were confronted with the harsh reality that the man who brought sexy back will most likely be deceased at that point. Barring any freak accidents or street fights with Kimbo Slice this photo of J.T. in 2030 should be a lot more accurate than Ebony's M.J.

Ebony Magazines's Prediction of what Michael Jackson would look like in the year 2000

Just a little bit off... You did your best Ebony Magazine...You did your best.

CLICK TO ENLARGE IMAGE AND READ WHAT IS WRITTEN ON THE PHOTO.

The day The New York Post challenged PandStatus.com

Hey New York Post...

F U

You are by far the worst newspaper in NY.

I woke up on Sunday morning full of life. I checked our growing website and got excited by our newest post. I went out with my father to get a bagel and a newspaper. When we were standing in the deli my dad looked at me and said "hey are you gunna get the (Daily)News and the Post?" I looked at him and nodded and he said the truest phrase ever spoken ... "You know the Post is a piece of shit right?" I nodded again and he put the $2.50 on the counter.
I opened the Post first to a random page which is how I always read the paper and I read the following in bold letters across the top of the page...

"YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE FAMOUS"

My initial reaction was anger and then I went into defense mode which is where I am at right now.

My only purpose starting now is to prove this Asshole wrong.

Please read the article from this link You're Not Going To Be Famous and try not to spit on your computer screen.


If any of our readers can set up a meeting between me and the writer of this article, Jim Hanas, I would really like to talk to him about all of the problems I have with this terribly Debby Downer like article.

(lets face it he will probably read this himself because the dumpy writers the New York Post has are the type of people that would Google themselves.)

Why Putting Man on the Moon was Badass, Awesome and Wildly Irresponsible

This past week was the 40th anniversary of the moon landing. HOW EXCITING!!! Wait… 40 years ago, it was 1969. Isn’t that the same Summer of Love in which Woodstock occurred? Weren’t people driving around in VW Beetles, dropping acid and listening to Led Zeppelin I? How was anyone in the country sober enough to do long division, let alone astrophysics?

Also at this time computers were the size of Nike Factory Outlets and could be out performed by your basic graphing calculator.


Now, imagine what the astronauts must have thought when NASA said “We’re sending you all to the moon.”

Neil: SWEET! Another chance for me to think up a cheese platitude that will be remembered for all time!

Buzz: SWEET! A chance for me to get drunk in space! (Note: this is not funny because Buzz Aldrin was actually an alcoholic.)

Michael: FUCK! They’re going to strap us into a tin can filled with asbestos with a couple of bottle rockets strapped to the bottom, THEN send us thousands of miles across lifeless abyss hopefully with enough (highly explosive) fuel to make it back, THEN risk incinerating ourselves crash landing in what is essentially a soda can on to another lifeless abyss, that up until a hundred years ago , was commonly believed to be made of cheese. All so we can kick around a few rocks and say we did it before Russia.

Yet they went anyway. Badass? Insane? Isn’t that what America’s all about?

*Cue Music*

Michael "Squints" Palledorous: Then & Now

*Spoiler Alert* At the end of "The Sandlot" we learn that Michael "Squints" Palledorous married his dream girl Wendy Peffercorn (Lifeguard.)

While I was ecstatic to learn that the dorky--but loveable--"Squints" bagged the biggest babe of the movie, I couldn't help but wonder what happened to the kid who played "Squints," Chauncey Leopardi. Does he still wear those glasses with the thick frame? Doest he still stink at baseball? Has he tried tobacco since the unfortunate experience he had with it at the Fourth of July Carnival?

Using his "now" picture I have decided that the answer to these questions are No, yes, yes (judging by the chest tattoo and "biker casual" wardrobe I would guess he smokes about a pack of cigarrettes a day.)

Chauncey seems like a good guy, so keep an eye out for him when you're watching reruns of "Gilmore Girls" and "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation".

Chauncey Leopardi's IMDb Page

Don't You Hate Pants?

!

A rare moment of inspiration brought to you by PandaStatus.com

Amazing Entrance...

This got me thinking...

What other songs deserve to be played and used as wedding entrance songs?...

1- The Divinyls--I Touch Myself
2- Black Eyed Peas-- I Got a Feeling
3- Lil Wayne-- Every Girl
4-Beyonce-- Ego

1990's Boner Jam

Subtlety is not a defining characteristic of the 1990's but Next's catchy R&B tune, "Too Close", and it's obvious theme is beyond ridiculous. How a song about dancing with a woman while sporting an erection reached the top of the Billboard charts is beyond me, but I guess it was a simpler time back then. The only explanation I can think of is that this song really grew on people and eventually reached a point where it became hard not to listen to it.

Next fan(s) may think I am being too hard on the group and may even think I dislike this song. The truth is even though I was surprised by the adult nature of this song I really do enjoy this song and will forever remember it as a great song from the 90's. That being said, you can imagine the look on my face when someone explained to me what this song was about. Next thing you know someone's going to tell me Sisqo's "Thong Song" isn't about sandals.

Enjoy.

For out visual learners:
Next "Too Close" Lyrics

Save The Erin Andrews Foundation

How dare anyone spy on the future mother of my children?

The Usual

There are many stages in the journey from boyhood to manhood. With these stages come great change and, therefore, an increase in manliness. Some stages, such as the ones made possible by puberty (lowering of the voice, appreciating the internet, and growing hair...on your face) are more obvious than others (the ability to make one t-shirt last an entire month without being washed), but nevertheless they are all equivalent in importance. That is with the exception of the one stage that is so glorious and comes with so much honor and respect that it would be an injustice to try comparing it with any of the other stages. This stage is being able to order "the usual" and have the barber/waiter/bartender/prostitute/pizza delivery guy/Chinese food delivery guy/any delivery guy know EXACTLY what you're talking about.

I know what you're thinking, "What's so great about having someone remember your order? If you're at the point where someone remembers your order, don't you think you should expand your horizons? What does this have to do with manhood?"

What's so great about having someone remember your order? Oh, I don't know--maybe the fact that you had such a lasting impression on someone that remembering your name and what you look like was simply not enough so they went ahead and memorized your order knowing that it makes you happy and that if they continue to do so someday you might be willing to take the time to remember something about them.

If you're at the point where someone remembers your order, don't you think you should expand your horizons? First off, while the more you frequent an establishment does influence the effectiveness of ordering "the usual" it is not nearly as important as you think. The most important factor in being able to order "the usual" is to be cool, calm, and tip well (just like all great men do) When it comes to expanding your horizons, who needs it? Why deprive yourself of the relationship that has been formed between you and the person taking your order, especially if it means getting your coffee the way you like it just by speaking two words. Let me put it this way, you wouldn't break up with Kim Kardashian to be with Rosie O'Donnell just for the sake of "broadening your horizons."

What does this have to do with manhood? If you're asking this question you have obviously never tried ordering "the usual." If one tries ordering "the usual" without possessing the necessary qualities, they can almost guarantee an unfavorable response. So if you have any doubt regarding your progression into manhood it is strongly suggested that you abstain from asking for "the usual." I say this because I was once unfortunate enough to make that mistake. I remember it like it was yesterday (but it wasn't yesterday it was ten years ago), I walked into the barbershop with my head held high and sat my eight-year-old self into the barber's chair. The barber looked at me and said "What can I do for ya kid?" to which I replied "The usual." I was practically laughed out the door and to make matters worse I had to explain to the barber that "the usual" was what others would call a slightly modified version of the "mushroomcut." One might call it a common misunderstanding but I can assure you it was not. You see, I've been going to this barbershop since my first haircut, I had always asked for that same haircut, and the barber was my Dad. I didn't understand then but I realize now that, through embrassment, my Dad was showing me that you do not just ask for "the usual," but earn the privelege over time. My Dad would later explain it comes from years of watching sports, lifting heavy things, and diminishing the achievements of women.

Being able to order "the usual" is what separates the Clint Eastwoods of the world from the Clay Aikens. Anyone can place an order, but only a true man can order "the usual."

PLEASE VOTE AGAINST PROPOSITION 32, "The Peoples Initiative to Ban General Orders in Public Establishments and Overall Customer/Server Comrardery"

Stumbleupon.com --Stumble as far as you can

Str8hiphop.com -- know songs before your friends know them. then when they are popular pretend you don't like them...(this will make people think you are cool)

perezhilton.com -- too funny not to visit. Plus we think he may be a reader of this site.

Textsfromlastnight.com --- why not laugh at others mistakes. it will make you feel better

Fmylife.com --- samsies ^

A Message From Chris Brown

If it took him this long to publicly apologize to Rihanna I can only imagine how long we are going to have to wait for him to apologize for wearing this communist chef outfit.

This song is YUMMY!

AH!

We officially have 99 friends on facebook!! Go ahead and do a dance ya filthy animals.

Ok now stop.

: )

Consider This....

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED 3-D DORITOS?!

Brought to you by the Petition to Bring Back 3-D Doritos.
http://www.petitiononline.com/doritos3/petition.html

Let's Make It Official

(For All Readers)
Although it hasn't been confirmed yet many people are speculating that this photo of Shaq holding a panda bear is actually a subtle attempt to bring awareness to his new favorite website, PandaStatus.com.

(For Shaq Only)
Mr. O'Neal, if you are reading this and are interested in becoming the first celebrity spokesperson for PandaStatus.com please contact me at whoisalexwatt@gmail.com and we can begin contract talks as soon as possible.

p.s. We hate Kobe too.

JAWSome

Apparently being a dead shark is the best way to meet beautiful women at the beach.

Nicktoon Characters You (May Have) Had a Crush On

Patty Mayonnaise (Doug): Doug's girl next door unrequited love interest. Her blonde hair and olive skin complexion is easy on the eyes but it is her kind soul that wins you over. She is focused on her academics and athletics but still makes time to take care for her paraplegic father. First date recommendation: Concert, preferably "The Beets."

Patty

Rhonda Wellington Lloyd (Hey Arnold!): The rich bitch of P.S.118. You're not on her list of "cool kids" and she makes you sit in the back of the bus, but you would obey any order that came out of her mouth...even after she got glasses. First date recommendation: Take a stroll around Central Park and toss back a few Yahoo Sodas.

Rhonda

Debbie Thornberry (The Wild Thornberrys): Eliza may have the smarts and ability to talk to animals but her older sister Debbie has all the looks in the family. Not very outdoorsy and longs for the normal teenage life. She has been stuck traveling the world with her family in a van so you can only imagine how low her standards are. First date recommendation: When the RV's a rockin', don't come a knockin'.

Debbie

Sandy Cheeks (SpongeBob SquarePants): Sandy is a female squirrel, but you can look past that because not only is she a southern bell, she likes karate, meditation, and surfing. She hangs with SpongeBob and Patrick so you wouldn't even mind hanging around her friends. First date recommendation: Practice your Ka-ra-te skills.

Sandy Cheeks

Regina "Reggie" Rocket (Rocket Power): Her younger brother, Otto, may be a huge tool but you can admire the family relationship they have with their Dad, Raymundo. With Reggie's "Zine" (an extreme sports magazine) flying off the magazine racks you can almost guarantee a sound financial future. Who knows, maybe Raymundo will pass over Otto and let you run the "ShoreShack" when he decides it's time to pack it in. First date recommendation: A nice day at the beach and maybe some fries and a shake at the "Shore Shack."

...the girl

Wanda (The Fairly OddParents): Wanda is as happily married as any fairy can be. You get the idea she used to be somewhat of a "partygirl" back in the day. She may not have any kids but she still has the "MILF" appeal. Plus she can promise to make your wildest dreams come true...and mean it! First date recommendation: Anywhere Timmy Turner isn't.

Wanda

CollegeHumor

How to lose a STUPID girl in 5 days... and how to get her back if you really want to

DAY 1

Talk about how hot Jennifer Aniston is. If she agrees skip this day. If she adamantly disagrees then you are off to a good start.

Day 2

Talk about how a girl can not be president and attempt to convince her that it was scientifically proven that it would be physically impossible for a female to endure the stress, if she falls for it...skip to day 4 cause this girl is a idiot. If for some reason she does not go for it then you are for sure on the right track.

Day 3

If the girl disagreed on day 1 and day 2 then this is probably the last day you will need. Talk about how many girls you have "been " with. This number does not matter as long as it is above 7. either the girl will think you are gross and be done with you (for the time being) or she will say nothing and kinda start to question what is going on.

Day 4

use the "C" word...

Day 5

Don't call her.

that should be it... you have gotten rid of the stupid girl. To get her back follow the next few steps...

Step 1 Call her

-talk for over 20 minutes

BAM! you got her back

Idea: Write PandaStatus.com on the seat of the train for some publicity.

WHAT DID HAPPEN:
I had an hour and twenty minutes to build up the courage to scribe PandaStatus.com on the train seat in front of me. Guess who "weighed the consequences" and didn't write anything?

WHAT I THOUGHT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN:
Train Conductor: Hey! What do you think you're doing?
Me: Ummm...nothing?
TC: Last time I checked defacing property of the Long Island Railroad is doing something.
Me: I wasn't defacing LIRR property--I would never do such a thing--I was just writing my name on the back of this seat.
TC: Yeah, that definitely counts as defacing property. What kind of name is PandaStatus.com anyway?
Me: It's actually a little comedy website I'm working on, just trying some guerrilla marketing.
TC: What on God's green earth is guerrilla marketing?
Me: Honestly, I'm not really sure, I thought I would impress you with a marketing term I learned in class last semester.
TC: A college boy eh? I guess they forgot to teach you how to respect property.
ME: Yeah, maybe I should ask for my money back...am I right?
TC: That's cute, I didn't know I had a comedian on my hands.
ME: Is that sarcasm?
TC: ...Ye---
[TRAIN BLOWS UP]

LESSON: Don't vandalize!

Iconic Dinner Guests to Avoid

"What three people would you invite to dinner? Why?" This question really bothers me because the only thing less original than the question itself are the answers that follow it. You can bank on the fact that when posed this question a person will choose some variation of a dinner party that includes Jesus, Michael Jordan, George Washington, or Denzel Washington.

I can understand why people would choose to invite these men to their dinner parties but I can't help but think that if people did some in-depth research they would find some serious faults in their answers. Since everyone else is busy chasing paper (in the Urban Dictionary sense) I have accepted the responsibility to break down why people should reconsider inviting Jesus, Jordan, or the Washingtons to a dinner party.


Jesus: It's wishful thinking on your part if you think that someone who is worshipped by a good portion of the world would 1.) Be free for dinner and 2.) Want to dine with you. Okay, so maybe he does agree to attend your dinner party, what are you going to talk about? Odds are you probably have some deep questions regarding salvation and the afterlife but once those questions are addressed prepare yourself for at least one or two awkward silences. Forget about turning the conversation towards pop culture because at the ripe old age of 2012 there is a good chance he did not stay up to watch the series finale of "Scrubs." Since you have nothing interesting to say he will probably take the reins of the conversation. If you think it's annoying to listen to your one friend talk about how cool his Dad is because his boss occasionally gives him tickets to Yankee games, just imagine listening to someone talk about how their Dad created the entire world (yawn).


Michael Jordan: Jordan is considered to be the world's greatest basketball player and is a successful business man. As if that wasn't enough he also co-starred with Bugs Bunny in the cinema classic "Space Jam." I guess you could always ask him what it was like to win an NCAA Championship, two Olympic Gold Medals, and six NBA Championships. Things will inevitably become awkward once you bring up (and you will) his attempt at a baseball career, alleged gambling problems, or record setting divorce. By the time you get to telling him the story of that one three-pointer you hit during a JV game he will be halfway out the door.


George Washington: He was the leader of the Continental Army during the American Revolutionary War and the first President of the United States of America, if that doesn't make him a cool dinner guest than I don't know what would. But wait, he also had wooden teeth, powdered his hair, and owned slaves. You can also guarantee that he is going to be very patriotic, and as we all know there is a fine line between voting in every election and donning an American flag themed sleeveless shirt to your son's wedding. (Note: Beware, especially if you have a cherry tree).


Denzel Washington: Denzel is one of the hardest working men in show business, so on the off chance that he actually had time off would you really feel comfortable prying him away from his family just so you can pick his brain over dinner? Don't bother bringing up his alma mater, Fordham University, because it is highly unlikely that he hung out with your friend, Steve "Fat Carl" Carlson, during his time there. If you ask him which movie he enjoyed making the most, you better hope he doesn't say "Malcolm X" because let's face it, you probably aren't well-versed on the "Black Nationalism" movement. On the plus side, if there is one person in the world talented enough to act like they sincerely enjoy your company it would be Denzel Washington.

I understand that these men may be interesting to hangout with but think of it this way, if you're sitting at a table with three of the world's most successful people chances are you're going to look incredibly lame in comparison. This is why I recommend you surround yourself with people that are such big losers that they make you look good. Why do you think Adam Sandler casts the same people in all of his movies?


Yes...it all makes sense.

Things Not to Say at a Club/Bar/Rave (That Might Sound Harmless in Your Head)

"Ya Know, you're lucky I'm even talking to you... I've raped girls more attractive than you."


"Hey, I got you a drink... with a little something extra."


"Hey, do you want to come back to my place? My parents can't hear anything from the basement."


"Who the fuck goes to raves?"

This Is News?

According to a certain internet website, President Obama was caught "checking out" a woman while making a public appearance. How can anyone in their right mind blame someone for admiring another person? It's human nature for crying out loud. If this is unacceptable behavior than I have been an awful, awful person since I figured things out in Junior High. I may be an eighteen year old male but I don't think I'm exadurating when I say you would literally have to gauge my eyes out with an item from Rosie O'Donnell's sex toy collection to prevent me from taking a look at this woman any woman. Plus everybody knows that when you don't make a beautiful woman feel extremely uncomfortable with your perpetual gaze the terrorists win.

Get To Know the Most Famous (Living) Michael Jackson in the World

Full Name: Michael Joseph Jackson
Date of Birth: August 29, 1958
Hometown: Gary, Indiana
Trade: Entertainer
Claim to Fame: Regarded as one of the greatest entertainers of all time/dying.
Random Statistic: Sold over 750 million albums worldwide.
Greatest Hits: "Billie Jean","Thriller", "Bad", "Smooth Criminal", "You Rock My World".
Effect on Children: Innumerable amounts of bad dream and future therapy sessions...allegedly


Full Name: Michael Ray (Mike) Jackson
Date of Birth: December 22, 1964
Hometown: Houston, Texas
Trade: Major League Baseball Relief Pitcher
Claim to Fame: Pitched for eight different major league teams over the span of seventeen seasons. Shares the record for most games pitched in the 1990's.
Greatest Hits: Jackson had five career base hits in twenty-eight at bats (all singles.)
Random Statistic: He pegged 56 batters throughout his career.
Effect on Children: Many laughs and confusion when "Now pitching, Mike Jackson" was announced over the ballpark's P.A.

"Cool" things that made me vomit. Part 1...

Dear creators of movies, music videos, and Television,

I have a bone to pick with you.

First off... Cigars suck. I know it, you know it, P. Diddy knows it. All guys believe that somehow when you smoke a cigar you will grow chest hair, and your balls will drop...not true. Common misconception number two is that girls "dig it". WRONG. Girls hate it. I think all girls would agree (except the girls who smoke cigars...you can tell who they are by noticing that they have chest hair and balls..) that they have never made out with a guy and said "this is nice but I rather lick an ashtray"...

ok short story.

My First Cigar.

One day while hanging out with my two friends we decided that after a trip to Wendy's we would stop by the nearest gas station and buy a few cheap cigars. (awesome fucking idea) After a long healthy meal at my favorite redheads fast food joint we picked up the cigars. We stopped in a parking lot to just hang out and smoke the cigars. As they talked, and I coughed, I desperately tried to dig deep into my "cool" to find the place in my soul that was able to say "I like cigars" and not say "hey guys, you shouldn't hang out with my cause I'm a bitch". After quietly breaking the lighter and convincing my friends that my cigar would no longer light... we all gave up... Upon returning to my friends house and jumping out of the car I realized that I was surprisingly dizzy. Really really dizzy. I told my friend and he told me that cigars always do that and that it was the "cool part". I was really disappointed in myself for about 5 minutes because I was trying to figure out what was cool about being dizzy and feeling like I was going to faint. after those five minutes passed I realized that I wasn't the weird one, THEY were. I mean smoking a cigar to convince yourself that we are almost adults and it is what we are supposed to do is the most pathetic thing I have ever heard of. 5 minutes after that thought ...I was throwing up all over my friends bathroom while they played Rock Band. (They were playing Molly Hatchet's song "Flirtin' with Disaster")

Ok... so cigar smoking, over compensating, kinda stupid, men of America.... Cigars and throwing up aren't cool...and if they are strike me dea...................

I had breakfast in bed this morning, it turns out French toast is a very selfish lover.

An Open Letter to All Incoming Freshmen

Dear Incoming Freshmen,

Congratulations! By now you have selected which college/university/institute of higher education that you are going to attend. As you may have already heard, freshmen year can be one of the most exciting yet intimidating years of your life. To ease your transition into the college lifestyle I will drop some knowledge in your direction.

First things first, log onto your Facebook account and friend request everyone that is on your school's Facebook network (and by everyone I mean anyone who isn't ethnic or overweight). To ensure that all of your newly requested friends will like you it is essential that you do some serious editing of your profile page. Change your profile picture to one that screams "I like to party!" I suggest you select a photo of you holding a beer or a handle of vodka (very impressive). Now that everyone can see you like to party it's time to back it up with some cold hard facts on your personal information section. Change your "Activities" so it says "Going to the beach to drink a few and laxin'." Keep in mind you don't actually have to play lacrosse (or know anything about it) to write this. Edit your "Interests" to "Laxxxxx" and "partyin'." Still following along? Good, because this is where things get tricky. Make sure that your "Favorite Music" section says that you like O.A.R., Dave Matthews Band, and 311. Don't worry if you haven't heard of them before; just tell people that you can't wait to see them live again. If anyone asks your favorite song tell them you like their old stuff better than their new stuff (this should throw the "unknowing" scent off of your trail). List "ESPN" and "Family Guy" as your "Favorite TV Shows" because they are safe choices and no one will call you out on not watching them. When it comes to your "Favorite Movies" write "300," "Anchorman" and "Anything with Adam Sandler." Spend some time checking out the quotes on each movie's IMDB page. Memorize these quotes and say them all the time (They never get old!). It's much easier to say things other people already have in movies than trying to think up your own sentences.

Now that you have made these adjustments to your Facebook page chances are everyone now wants to be your friend. Comment on everyone's status and don't forget to send explicit messages to all the females. When it's time for your school's Freshmen Orientation (I like to call it the "Main Event") it is crucial to make fun of anyone in your group who seems even slightly nervous or uncomfortable about going away to college. Don't forget to ask every girl you meet for her phone number, this way you can text them about how "sick" the parties are going to be next year. If the cool kids still haven't noticed how "chill" you are then I would suggest you tell everyone that you are being heavily recruited by both the Basketball and Lacrosse coaches (you have the rest of the summer to suffer a fake knee injury). If all else fails, talk about the beach and partying.

When you finally arrive at school don't show any signs of nervousness or doubt. If your parents start embarrassing you, yell at them for unpacking slow and tell them to leave. If you don't initially like your roommate tell everyone in your hall that he is gay and asked to see you naked. When you go to the cafeteria hang out by the pizza line and direct any female who gets on it towards the salad bar. On the weekends don't worry about whether or not you have plans, feel free to walk into any party. Odds are whoever is hosting it probably wants you there and will shower you with compliments.

Remember, these are the best four years of your life so "live it up and drink it down."

Yours truly,

The Kid That No One Likes

If Real Life Had Soundeffects.

"I think we should start seeing other people"
THIS SOUND!

"YEAH?!? WELL FUCK YOU, MAN! I QUIT!!!
THIS SOUND!

"... I'm Pregnant"
THIS SOUND

Urban Dictionary

Urban Dictionary: Panda Status

Panda Status: The Future of Drunk

It seems like just yesterday me and my friends took our first walk over to our first college party. We thought we had all done our fair share of drinking back in High School (some more than others) but when we arrived at the party it was obvious that this was not the case. Back in High School people got drunk, but according to the upperclassmen who greeted us at the doorway being drunk was just not enough. It seemed like every person I talked to at the party mentioned how they were going to get "sloshed,""loaded," "tipsy," "fucked up," or "embarrochado" (People from Spain study abroad too). Needless to say, I felt pretty lame using the word "drunk" while everyone else got to use exciting vocabulary that they most likely found on urbandicationary.com roughly 15 minutes prior to their arrival.

When I returned to my dorm room that night I Googled the meanings of all the terms I had heard that night and found that none of them truly suited me. Naturally I decided to create my own term, one that I could pass on to my future ex-wife's grandkids. The term I choose to create was "Panda Status." I was more or less influenced by the sheer cuteness of a panda I saw on the television. At first "Panda Status" didn't make much sense to me or my peers, but like a fine wine or professional athlete on steroids, it only got better with age.

What is "Panda Status" you may ask?

Panda Status:

1.) When you are so drunk that you cannot do anything but sit comfortably in the chair that you are in. All of the alcohol and chips you consumed are causing your stomach to bloat and your belly now looks like that of a panda. Just like a panda kept in captivity, you have lost all desire to mate and are now content with watching the game instead of chasing ladies/gents around.

2.) When you have taken the journey from being sober (white), to blacked out (black), and back sober again (white) all in one night. This resembles the order of the colors of fur on a panda's body.

3.) When you are native to Central-Western or Southwestern China, the victim of deforestation, and often find yourself eating bamboo in an opium den.

A group of friends enjoy being "Panda Status"

So next time your friend calls you up on a Friday night and asks if you want to get "faced" or "shitty"at (fill in tool's name here)'s house, you tell them no. Explain to them that you are currently "Panda Status" at the moment and that it is no time for hoopla. There is a good chance they will not understand what you are saying so it is your duty to teach them how to be "Panda Status." This may seem like a tall order but as Uncle Ben told Peter Parker in "Spider-Man," "Remember, with great power comes great responsibility." Enjoy.

Celebrity Sex Tapes you Wish Existed

Megan Fox


Clever Porn Title: "Megan FoXXX"

Megan Fox is popular for two reasons, she looks like a porn star and you've never seen her tits. By having a sex tape she would ruin her potential for a legitimate film career in the future but would seal her fate as a lust object for generations to come.

Quote from the Film: "You promise you won's show this to anyone?"


Paris Hilton & Nicole Richie


Clever Porn Title: "The SeXXXy Life"

This sex tape would be talked about for months and months before its actual release. However, the product would be terribly underwhelming. A few topless make out scenes and little more. However, the lack of night vision shows that Paris knows what she's doing the second time around.

Quote from the film: Nicole: "Where's your dildo?"
Paris: "Fuck that, just use your fist. Dildos are so not hot."


Sacha Baren Cohen and Isla Fisher


Clever Porn Title: Banging Borat
We all secretly wondered what Borat was hiding behind the censored blur in the naked fight scene.

Also, every guy who's seen Wedding Crashers secretly wishes that Isla Fisher is just as freaky in real life... this tape would settle many debates.

Quote from the film: "I will-a make-a many sex all over your faces... very nice.."

JKF and Marylin Monroe


Clever Porn Title: "President's Prefer Blonds XXX"

Ahh... The 60's... a time where it was totally cool for Presidents to philander and carry on not so secret affairs with movie stars. This would be shot on Super-8 and there would be an awkward cut of Pierre Salinger trying to set up the camera for the Commander and Chief and his leading lady. You wish this existed because not matter what anyone say Marilyn Monroe is hot, and JFK was a god like human who was rendered incarnate on this earth in 1941 to save his U-boat in the pacific, have 600 kids, destroy the commies and generally be a fucking badass. Also, I'm pretty sure during one of the lovemaking scenes in this tape the distinct vision of two unicorns appear of their heads.

Quote from the film: "something comical in a thick Massachusetts accent"


Lindsay Lohan and Wilmer Valderrama


Clever Porn Title: "...And Now She's a Lesbian."

First. This would allow us to reminisce back to a time where Lindsay was hot and not fucking SaMANtha Ronson.
Also. This would make Fez's lines in That 70's Show at least a little funny.

Quote from the film: "... NO I WOULDN'T DO A THREE WAY! IM NOT INTO GIRLS!!"

Serious conversation topics that should be avoided when meeting someone for the first time or if alcohol is involved...

(A)Love.
No matter what you think about this word it should be avoided. No good can come from saying either of the following:

Example 1- "I am so in love with my girlfriend."
You will have immediately ruined your chances of hooking up with your friends hot cousin that you blatantly stared at for 2 hours, and made yourself look like a class "A" douche.

Example 2- "Fuck love. Its a fake word used to get with girls."
You will have immediately ruined your chances of hooking up with your friends hot cousin that you blatantly stared at for 2 hours, and made yourself look like a class "A" douche.

(B)Sports.
Friends become enemies and enemies make you change your personal opinion so you can disagree with them still. All guys put on a serious face, and get in your face... and no matter what your opinion is you cannot back down.

P.S. Being from Upstate New York and no where near the actual New York does not give you the right to be a Lakers fan... You can say you always liked them...everyone still thinks you are a dick.

(C) Your friends hot cousin
Although it will surprise you he does not agree with you and he will get mad.

It does not mean she is not gorgeous. in fact it makes her more appealing.



Trust me. Don't touch these topics unless you truly don't care about the people around you or their approval.

A Day in the Life of Your High School Gym Teacher

5:45 a.m.: The alarm clock has gone off but it will be a few minutes until Coach actually gets himself out of bed. It's hard to get up when you've been ripped away from yet another dream about the '74 state championship game. The outcome of this game has haunted Coach for years now but at least in the dream world he catches that ball.

6:02 a.m.: Coach finally gets out of bed, does a little stretching, and takes a seat at the kitchen table for "the breakfast of champions."

6:17 a.m.: After the most important meal of the day it's time for his daily fitness routine. You don't get to teach High School Gym Class for over twenty-five years without knowing a little something about fitness and that is why Coach partakes in the Presidential Fitness Challenge every morning. Coach accredits his great physique to this daily workout; he would even go so far as to say that his sexual prowess is directly related to the flexibility gained by placing in the top percentile in the "V-Sit Reach."

7:14 a.m.: Time to hit the showers.

7:23 a.m.: Getting dressed for work as a High School Gym Teacher is not nearly as easy as it seems, it takes time to find the right pair of sweatpants that will not only accentuate the bulge but show off the white crew socks too.

7:42 a.m.: Coach grabs his keys and some prescription pain killers on his way out the door and arrives to work on time.

8:52 a.m.: After some intense supervision of the hallways Coach makes his way to his office for his prep period. It seems that Coach finds the prep period better suited for checking the scores from last night's games than actual preparation for the upcoming classes.

9:27 a.m.: It's the first gym class of the day and Coach shows his compassionate side as he explains to the class that since it is still early in the day he will allow the class to hit the showers five minutes earlier than usual under the condition that they are dressed and ready to go for attendance, full of hustle, and void of sass.

10:45 a.m.: European Handball is the game of choice for this gym class. Coach spends over ten minutes picking teams for the game and still manages to put all the nerds on one team and all the varsity athletes on the other, go figure!

11:30 a.m.: Coach gets fired up when foreign exchange student, Gustav Bjornberg, opts to where his native clogs instead of rubber sole sneakers. "I don't know what they taught you in Sweden School but here in America we respect our hardwood floors and the championships won on them."

12:10 p.m.: Lunch. Coach mentioned that he usually has a "liquid lunch", which I can only assume is in reference to a protein shake.

1:07 p.m.: Uh-oh, looks like it's this class' turn to run the mile. To earn credit for today's class the students must finish the mile run in less than ten minutes, that is unless they are a varsity athlete, a total babe, or a vulnerable girl.

1:59 p.m.: It's Coach's last class of the day, phew! Tired from the day's excitement Coach gives a student the key to the equipment shed, flips a chair backwards and sits on it, and tells the kids to "shoot around with the basketballs or something."

2:34 p.m.: The bell rings, the school day is over.

3:30 p.m.: Lacrosse practice has now begun; it's time for Coach to "unleash the dragon" and do what he does best...coach?

5:50 p.m.: Coach picks up a $5 Footlong from Subway on the way home.

7:27 p.m.: Coach strategically places scented candles all around his apartment, lights them, pops in his Los Lonely Boys CD into the stereo and puts "How Far is Heaven?" on repeat, dresses in women's clothing, and weeps until he is tired enough to return to the '74 state championship game.

CollegeHumor: A Day in the Life of Your High School Gym Teacher

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