14 things to think about over break.

1) Buying the expensive/heavy beers does not make you seem cooler or older. It does make your projectile vomit go further, and your stomach to expand like you are Tim Allen in Santa Clause.
2) Having sex with the "crazy girl" is a lot less cool when the doctor has to prescribe you a cream.
3) Quoting Step Brothers is just not funny anymore. If you are that one guy that is still quoting an Adam Sandler movie... you need to stop too.
4) Popularity does not come from blasting Dave Matthews, Lil Wayne,or Party in the USA from your over priced speakers.
5) Friend requesting hot girls that you don't know from upstairs is creepy, and does not raise your chances of getting with them. (unless you are Tiger Woods)
6) When at a bar and trying to dance with a girl, rubbing up against her and whispering the lyrics in her ear will not turn her on or give the impression that you are "smooth". Especially if the lyrics are "I wish I could F*** every girl in the world."
7) With roommates it's a lot harder to watch guilty pleasure shows. (Example- Jonand Kate Plus 8, All VH1 shows, Porn)
8) You can't drink more than everybody.
9) You don't need to jump on every 5-5-5 deal. Dominos is not going out of business, and you are getting chunky.
10) Although it is true "Beer before Liquor never been sicker." If you drink a ton of both, no matter the order, you are going to vomit.
11) Don't bother inviting your friends from home to come visit you. No matter what your roommates tell you...They hate your friends from home.
12) Nobody cares about that race you won in high school. Nobody cares about that hot girl you dated. Nobody wants to hear about that time you almost dunked. High school sucked. That's why you left.
13) When you text your friends " IdM SoooOOo DruNK!!11" they know you are sitting in your room drinking your first beer and watching Animal Planet. You are not tricking anyone.
14) You didn't have 15 shots that one night. You had 4.

I Wish I Was Kidding BUT.....

SISQO IS BACK !!!

Since his last big single in 2000 Sisqo has been hiding and most likely dancing atop his piles of money gained from the Thong Songs continued success in strip clubs all over the United States. I know what your thinking... What color is his hair now? well I cant answer that but I can give you the PandaStatus MUSIC EXCLUSIVE and let you listen to his 2 new song's.

Here it is. Tell us what you think. . .

My Dad Giving Dancing Lessons After My 5th Grade Basketball Game ...

"Conan, Please Blow-Up My Car" Failure (?)

Contest Mini-Essay (140 words or less):
"I may be driving modern engineering's greatest and most aesthetically pleasing success, a Saturn from early on in the new millennium, but let it be known that looks are deceiving. For about a year now whenever I open my car door it shrinks to the size of a matchbox car. Don't get me wrong I love matchbox cars, but cool miniature cars with radical paint jobs and decals won't transport me to work. Although I suppose if I rigged up enough of them I could concoct some sort of makeshift roller skate. I really hope it doesn't come to that though. Please Conan (and Andy), blow up my car!"

The contest isn't over yet but I highly doubt this video has enough charisma for Conan and Andy to let me win, especially when a brand new Lexus is the prize. I may not be driving a brand new Lexus anytime soon, but I did find all of my old Matchbox cars and if that's not a victory than I don't know what is.

Cartoon's I Felt Sorry For As A Kid.

Trix Rabbit
Every time he got Trix yogurt or Trix cereal within a foot from his mouth kids would swoop in and take it away. Imagine how annoying it would be if every time you tried to eat breakfast a gang of 9 year olds stole it away from you. How could you not feel bad for a bunny that, by the looks of it, was being tortured by a bunch of sadistic children? Not only were these kids trying to starve him they were also verbally abusing him by calling him a “silly rabbit” every day since 1954 when he clearly was just a hungry rabbit.


Wile E. Coyote
I don’t care who you are everyone was annoyed by the road runners constant beeping. He deserved everything the coyote was trying to hit him with. Instead of actually catching the road runner Wile was always met with some sort of disaster while the pain in the ass ostrich (?) got to walk away without a scratch. Just one day I would have liked the road runner to actually fall for one of the ACME trap doors.


Eeyore
Eeyore clearly had a lot of things going on in his life and nobody ever cared to ask what was going on. He needed serious help and I can only imagine he still does. This article is meant to be somewhat comical but I am serious about Eeyore. He really needs some sort of intervention.

Tom (the cat) from Tom and Jerry
Jerry always seemed to start it. That mouse would ruin dates, steal food, and genuinely start trouble for no good reason, and I am supposed to feel bad for jerry? No way. I refuse to root for the mouse because he is small and cute. He ruined Tom’s day way to often to be considered cute in my eyes.




Chuckie
He was a push over, had buck teeth, had red hair, was left handed, was afraid of ridiculous things like English muffins, wore the same thing every day, couldn’t breathe through his nose(except in that one episode where he starts to take medicine that makes everything better), had glasses, was awkward, and didn’t have a mommy. This poor kid had absolutely nothing going for him. You had to feel bad for him.
[Eating animal crackers]
Tommy: That's the fun of it, Chuckie; you never know what you're going to get until you get it.
Chuckie: It's not fun for me.

Sock Rage: The Aftermath

This is what happens after you don't pack enough socks, get angry, and throw what you thought was an empty cup against the hotel wall, splattering orange juice all over the bedspread. I would like to take this time to apologize once again to whatever hotel this took place in. While the name of your establishment may have left my memory, your fantastic customer service and forgiveness has not. Thank you and sorry.

PandaStatus Video: Sock Rage

Traveling can lead to a lot of aggravation, especially when you don't pack enough clean socks. As an old traveler once told me, "When times get bad on the road don't be surprised if the juice hits the wall." I now know what that old traveler was talking about.

This video is circa March Madness '09 when a few Siena College Students (Who may or may not be co-creators of PandaStatus) took a trip to the beautiful alright state of Ohio to watch the Saints play and eventually beat the Buckeyes of Ohio State in a stimulating game of old fashioned basketball.

Stephon Marbury's Not So Top Secret Training Program

Stephon Marbury makes smoking weed look about as uncool as the fourteen year old gothic kids he sells cigarettes to across the street from the High School.

My Man JL Gets Grated

So that's what happened to Jonathan Lipnicki...

Electric Zoo . . . Where Techno listeners go to do the same shit they usually do... outside.

Yes! Finally. An event that people resembling the techno twins (from AT&T's commercial) can go and hold glowsticks, trip on X, and heterosexually make out with other men! And to ensure that it is not like any other Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, or Saturday night in the dirty STD infested NYC clubs, its all going down OUTSIDE! Hooray for Electric Zoo

BUT WAIT! It turns out The "Man" is trying to hold down our glow stick wielding brothers. They have prohibited all the things that make Electronica music fun...


What items am I not allowed to bring with me?
The following items are prohibited:
• Large bags/backpacks
• Weapons of any kind (guns,knives,sex toys)
• Outside food & beverages (get your ass inside and pay 9 dollars for a beer)
• Professional cameras & recording devices
• Illegal substances ( ? )
• Squirt guns, misters, spray bottles, etc. ( ? )
• Laser pens and similar focused-light devices
• Glowsticks, etc.
• Chairs
• Bottles, cans, camelpacks, canteens, flasks, bota bags
• Pets
• Bicycles, scooters, personal motorized vehicles
• Musical instruments (Techno doesn't fuck with real instruments)
• Sleeping bags (no overnight camping or sleepovers)


... WHAT!?!
This Festival is starting to look as exciting as a family friends High School Graduation party.

Without Lasers, Illegal stuff, Glowsticks, and Weapons what does Techno have left.

strange colored hair, and tight jeans. That's what.

I advise all of New York to boycott this pathetic excuse for a Festival and instead, on September 5th and 6th, Celebrate the day Swaziland became an independent nation for a short period of time.


P.s. Another reason to hate this "festival" . . .It opens at noon closes at 11pm both days . . . not only would you be waving glowsticks while the sun was up but thats not even enough time to get "Panda Status"

TAKETHAT


FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT ...THE TECHNO TWINS...

Obama's Big "Eggo"

President Barack Obama is no stranger to the music and entertainment world. In fact you can thank his historic quest to presidency for shifting the hot subjects in popular music from "sex, drugs, and money" to "pride in the newly elected president, sex, drugs, and money". While I understand the social importance of "My President is Black" by Young Jeezy, "We Are The Ones" by Will.I.Am, and "My President is Black" by Young Jeezy (the Alvin and the Chipmunks Version , I think some recording artists have gone too far with their musical odes to Obama.

Recently, Beyonce' seems to be the biggest offender; rumors have been circulating around the internet that shortly after finding out Barack Obama enjoys a waffle every morning for breakfast she was overcome with inspiration and decided to write a song about it. Beyonce' spent many hours working on a song that would properly honor the 44th President of the United States' favorite breakfast item. The song was originally titled "Eggo" and described in great depth what makes his favorite frozen waffle brand so delicious.

The majority of the song is about the President's daily request for only the biggest of Eggo waffles ("He got a big Eggo, such a big Eggo, I love his big Eggo") and his ability to speak well in public ("He talks like this 'cus he can back it up"). But it doesn't end there, Beyonce' even draws from some of her own experience with waffles. According to Beyonce', when she was a young girl she would have one heck of a time getting the frozen waffle into the toaster--this is where the lyrics "It's too big, it's too wide, it's too strong, it won't fit, it's too much, it's too tough" come from. While many of her and "Bam's" loyal fans really enjoyed the warm and buttery tune, the "big wigs" at Columbia Records did not share their affinity. Although Beyonce' lobbied for the support of Columbia Records, it appeared that they would not "waffle" on their decision not to support the song. Beyonce', being the professional that she is, decided that she would just have to respect the wishes of her record company and did her best to change "Eggo" into a song Columbia would be proud of.

When Columbia was finished trampling all over Beyonce's artistic integrity all that was left of the delicious little ditty was the song "Ego", a dirty, unwholesome song that would even make Prince himself sick to his stomach. Below is a video for the song "Ego". Warning: it is not for the weak hearted, strong moraled, or patriotic.



America, yes we can?

People I Think Look Alike But Probably Don't

Find of the Day: 08/09/09

Photo by Steven A. Morvay

How many carrots does one have to eat to gain the superior vision necessary to spot the most phallic looking carrot in the history of the world ? (Rhetorical)

Please don't get the wrong idea, this isn't a picture of a baby carrot (that would be wrong) it's actually just a regular size carrot that was in the swimming pool.

I have an alternate theory on what this is a picture of. It's kind of graphic so I will just tell you this, it involves a very unhappy Oompa Loompa .

Send your photos and theories to pandastatus@pandastatus.com

Grand Weird Note Auto: Part II

As you may remember from a previous post on PandaStatus.com someone left a cryptic note and some random loot on my car windshield. While another person may have found this disconcerting, I decided to find the humor in it and had a great time trying to figure out who it could have been. If this was the only time something like this happened to me I could definitely see myself looking back on it as an enjoyable experience. Unfortunately for me and a pair of pet store staples this was not an isolated incidence.

After leaving work midday for a doctors appointment I already had the feeling that I was on my boss's bad side (in the doghouse, if you will). If my absence wasn't enough to anger my boss I'm sure the visit by the police officer looking for an Alex Watt was. Apparently Alex Watt is someone who leaves bags of live goldfish accompanied by threatening notes addressed to himself on his own windshield. That's right, two live goldfish--now do you really want someone who behaves like that working for your company? As you may have already guessed, everyone had the wrong idea. It was not I who left these things on my car, but the same weirdo who left all that strange stuff on my car last week. I have no definite proof linking the same person to both instances but I don't think I'm being too assumptive.

The note:

"Dear Alex,

If you flush us, we will fucking kill you."

This person must be stopped.

For those of you wondering what happened to the goldfish I can assure you that they are having a wonderful time exploring the blue abyss of the lake next to the parking lot. Before releasing the goldfish into the wild a few work chums and I named them (Ramiro Pena and Neifi Perez), spoke a few meaningful words on their behalf, and then promptly released them "Free Willy" style over my head and outstretched arms and into the lake.